Relapse

It's coming. It haunts me, chases me. I run, I run but sometimes I'm not quick enough, I don't re-focus fast enough. And it attacks, it grabs a hold of me and pulls me down into the darkness. A darkness I've never known before. Here I'm alone and I'm petrified. Everything's painted black. In the distance I see the light, I see the colour - but it's so far, so very far, and I have no energy, I can't get there. I have no strength. Tear's fall and my body shakes. I cry for this weakness in me, this temporary insanity. "Help me!" I whisper. I feel so inadequate. I feel so ashamed. No one hears and I lash out. I withdraw. I'm screaming - without sound. I verbally rip to shreds, "fuck this!, fuck that!, fuck you!". Then I feel the pull back up, a gentle tug source unknown "You'll get through this. Everything will be okay". The word's echo in my brain, and I hold onto them tightly. "Yes, but not today". I think. Today there are no nice words to bring me back from the numbness. There's no positive spin at the end of my prose to piece my broken pieces together. Today, I'm not my own hero, I'm a stranger... Lifeless