Bloody Hell

Pieces of my heart exit my body like menstrual flow. 

Memories punch like severe cramps tearing, ripping, bringing tears as I curl into a ball of sorrow and self pity. 
I can numb the pain. But it's only a mask. 
I go from that high to this low in seconds. 
The angel becomes a bitch. 

Why do I have to suffer for sins that I did not commit? 
Heart rebuilds, only to break again and again. 
For several days a month I go through this unbearable reminder that I have no control over certain things. 
It's all just messed up period. 

But this curse is my body rejecting waste that could destroy my mind. 
It's the preparation for a new beginning. 
A release of toxic feelings. 
Warnings of missed opportunities wrong for me marked in dark red. 

So I continue this cycle until the day heart fuses together with soul, and gives birth to pure love.‎

Shoop Shoop

‎I have learnt... 

That to some you can be easily replaced. 
Just because you’re there for someone doesn’t mean they’ll be there for you. 
People will believe what they want to, and will see what they want to see. 
The truth can be hard to handle. 
I can hate as much as I love. And hate that I still love. 
We get hurt, we hurt back. 
You can give so much of yourself and not have it be appreciated, but giving especially of yourself is a gift and not something to regret. 
Rash decisions have consequences. 
Sometimes space is needed to find peace within. 
Anger solves nothing. 
Speaking your mind is rare and real. 
I won't walk on egg shells. 
I don't care if I'm liked or not. 
Silence can say much. 
Defending yourself is not a crime. 
Showing emotion is not a weakness. 
Some broken things can't be fixed and some can. 
Tears are as important as smiles. 
Not having an apology from someone isn't the end of the world. 
Unkind words can not be taken back, but hopefully the many kind words will be remembered too. 
I can live without - I chose not to. 
What is meant to be, will be and what isn't won't. 
There's pieces of me that are where they should be, they are home. 
I've done all I can do for now. 
It's not the end. 
Everything will be okay. ‎

Brave Heart

Any heart can give itself to a person willingly, naively.
Any heart can take bullshit and have mind defend and sugar coat.
Any heart can let ego endure pain and bring spirit to tears.
Any heart can let soul succumb to the agony of self doubt and swim in a series of inadequacies.
Any heart can break into a million pieces, and have those pieces break even more.
Any heart can let anger turn you bitter, until you cross over to pretend indifference.
Any heart can think this must be love.
And to many hearts it is; it's what they know. What they can identify with; what's acceptable.
But it will never be enough.

It takes a brave heart to love love.
Love in its truest, purest form.
Not an imitation of, but the real thing.
Without ego, without self preservation, without games.
Love, where there's no room for self doubts and insecurities because you know your worth, and so does love.
Love, where your effort is met with effort.
Love, where you grow with love, and love grows with you.
Love, where mind is honest and knows it has work to do, but will willingly do it.
Love, that is far from perfect, but is right for you.

Any heart will know extreme pain, the likes of which it thinks it'll never recover from. But a brave heart will take the lessons learnt, recognise the difference, risk everything and give itself to love... Completely.

When I love...

When I love,
I love madly with all of my big head,
When I love,
I love undeniably, with my whole being,
When I love,
I love passionately with every one of my five senses,
When I love,
I love regardless, appreciating the highs and despite the lows
When I love,
I love patiently, through many states of emotion, and phases of ego
When I love,
I love deeply, with eyes that don’t see because they see
When I love,
I love unconditionally, a gift from my soul
When I love,
I love silly, it spills in abundance from my smiling heart
When I love,
It’s forever… Every lifetime, the same as before

Bottle it up

It’s rare to find a person, who you can completely be yourself around. I never feel like I have to be anyone else but ME with you. Because of who you are, because of your kind spirit, your understanding, your clever wit, your mind, and your soft stubborn heart that cares too much and hurts too easily. It’s the way we can talk about anything and everything, how we go on flights of imagination, how we laugh together, console each other, how we share, discuss and support, and yes, even how we fight. I'm the type to look for answers and explanations and the only conclusion here is - you're simply beautiful - inside and out. Yes, you've probably heard it before, and its something that's most likely been said before by other people, but when I think of the depth of gratitude I have, for you being in my life, a corny cliché like that basically sums it up. So I'll use it and I mean it. And I'll say it and I'll show it - to you when you doubt it, to the world so that they can see it.
God's blessed me with many things, and the gift that is you still remains to be my favourite thing. I recognise you for exactly what you are - you're an angel.

If I could bottle up "us", how we are, how we've always been, I would. So I could keep it, and never lose it

Cipher Sphere

The smiling mask slips and the tear stained face is revealed...
Another day of pretence comes to an end. If I die tonight, will anyone miss me tomorrow?...
Stripped of all feeling, drowning in a never ending pool of nothing...
I fight - Why do I fight? What do I fight for?...
Always searching for answers, wanting different, needing more...
It's hard some days to find meaning; purpose constantly eludes...
Looking for clues, but there's too many questions, and a lack of acceptance...
Screaming inside, coz I know I'm destined for more.
Confusion, depression, suppression, gotta find some inspiration...
There has to be a way to fill the void, somewhere out there, there's a dream to believe in...
Surely there's more to life than this empty existence

Open

If I let you know what makes me laugh, and the things that make me cry, but more importantly why...
Will I be celebrated with at my brightest, most colourful?
Will I be comforted in my deepest darkest despair?
Will you wipe the tears of joy and of pain?

If I let you know the complexities of my mind and the secrets in my heart...
Would you assume that my ego ruled, or see that my ego has nothing to do it?
Would you handle that sometimes in my moments of anger, I'd despise you, with the same passion, that I'd adore you with, in my moments of happiness?
Would you see that I feel in extremes. Various degrees of colour, because I don't know only black and white.

If I let you know my fears and challenges..
Could you handle that with me it'll be hard. It would require work?
Could you understand that I'm worth the effort?
Could you be my inspiration, my calm, my compass, my wings?

If I summarised my past, my present and my future...
Could you be content with the fact that the details would come piece by piece, day by day?
Would you add to my present?
Will you be in my future?

Do I let you in so that you see every tiny detail? Parts of me, I don't even see myself.
Do I risk judgement and possible ridicule?
Do I strip completely naked?
Do I allow this thing akin to slow death, where I reveal so much and I can never go back?
Or when you beckon, probing, asking... will I run the other way?
I ask myself these complicated questions, but the answer is simple;
I'm here, I'm open...

What this woman wants Part II

You... All of you... Always you... No one but you... Why you?

Bottoms up

Our eyes meet, I choose not to hid behind the mask I’ve adapted in your presence.
How can I, when your eyes are now revealing, undressing, seducing, questioning…
You coax me to you, with a naughty smile and a crook of your finger.
I claim your lips in the same way you claimed my affections – unexpectedly.
You take over, and with a gentle tug on my bottom lip, my mouth parts in a half sigh, half moan.
I’m open, I’m yours, You know this.
Your tongue teases mine.
Followed by a hot trail of kisses as I help you strip each item of clothing off my willing body.
Stroke me!
Your hands caress me in the oh and ahh places that longed for your touch on many hot nights and cool mornings.
Taste me! 
I’m light-headed, intoxicated by the moment.
Take me!
I'm on the brink of reaching a high beyond any previous comprehension
Bottoms up!

Relapse

It's coming. It haunts me, chases me. I run, I run but sometimes I'm not quick enough, I don't re-focus fast enough. And it attacks, it grabs a hold of me and pulls me down into the darkness. A darkness I've never known before. Here I'm alone and I'm petrified. Everything's painted black. In the distance I see the light, I see the colour - but it's so far, so very far, and I have no energy, I can't get there. I have no strength. Tear's fall and my body shakes. I cry for this weakness in me, this temporary insanity. "Help me!" I whisper. I feel so inadequate. I feel so ashamed. No one hears and I lash out. I withdraw. I'm screaming - without sound. I verbally rip to shreds, "fuck this!, fuck that!, fuck you!". Then I feel the pull back up, a gentle tug source unknown "You'll get through this. Everything will be okay". The word's echo in my brain, and I hold onto them tightly. "Yes, but not today". I think. Today there are no nice words to bring me back from the numbness. There's no positive spin at the end of my prose to piece my broken pieces together. Today, I'm not my own hero, I'm a stranger... Lifeless

My Prayer

Lord, as much as I wanna ask "why this again"? I know I should rather say "I know you'll help me through this" Please, let me find the strength I need and the determination to never want to give up. And may I always say thank you for my blessings. I have many, even on the really bad days, I have many. I'm still adjusting so forgive me the frustrations, and angry questions. I'm impatient, but I realise things take time, and all this is part of the plan you have for me. One day it'll all make sense. You've put the best people in my life, to help me through this, and even though there's moments I feel like I'm going through this alone, I never am.

The music within

I see you losing yourself and it breaks my heart.
You used to try,
You had an unquenchable desire to make a difference; to have more; to be you; to find your inner peace.
You saw it, you talked of it, for a while it seemed like you believed it.
Then you lost it.
Well you gave it to him nicely wrapped, and he took it, crushed it, destroyed your spirit, dulled the passion, stripped the colour you'd started to fill in.
And she saw this, she saw you vulnerable again, and she took the pieces and hid them so far and wide, you've now seemingly given up finding and putting them together.

I watch you being pulled into the vortex of life as you know it, struggling for air, wanting to break free, but bound by the invisible strings you've grown accustomed to, and it makes me sad.
Just because this shit is what you know, this shit doesn't have to be what you accept.
You're not weak, you are one of the strongest people I know. Especially for others.
Be that person for you.
Stop punishing yourself for crimes you did not commit.
You deserve so much more than you're resigning yourself to accept.

Yes there's insecurities here that we all have, and I understand that its easier to allow them to over rule.
It's easier to just let it be.
But what, that is worthwhile, is easy? Easy isn't easy if you can't be you. Easy isn't easy when the happiness you seek seems to be getting further and further out of your grasp.

Know this, you have strength in your essence, courage buried in the depths of your eyes, untapped power behind your soft heart, and there's no denying that unmistakable beauty of your soul.

Come look, see yourself through my eyes, see the wonder I see.
Take my hand, I'll help you as I always have tried to.
Some parts of this journey I know you need to take with someone else or by yourself, but you have your faith in God, and that means you'll never be alone.

Find your solo rhythm
Live the serene lyrics
Embrace the vibrant melody
And yes there's the storm you fear right now, but stand up and face it -
Dance, just dance
A rainbow will soon appear.

Sixth Sense

Am I not pretty?
Don't you like my sassiness?
Do I not ooze sexiness?
Perhaps I offend with my blunt tone?
Or bore with my practical rational?
Surely I beguile with my imagination.
And intrigue with my way with words.
My sense of humour must cause you to smile from time to time.
I know this big heart of mine hasn't gone unnoticed.
So what is it?
Why am I not enough?
Ah, I see - I'm more.
I'm your sweet fantasy.
A wild dream come true.
A wish fulfilled.
Your heart's desire.
Everything you never knew you wanted.
Scary shit that!

Remember

There was a time when I believed in magic, I believed in love. It was like a classic love story, a soul stirring ballad, traces of poetry by Rumi. I can honestly say I'd never felt that high before. Never loved as much, or as deeply, because it was an answered prayer, a gift bestowed. I was naked, open, connected, whole. For the longest time I'd thought God had looked down at me, and with a smile had said "here it is".

Remember when? No, probably not.

There was a time when I felt pain, I hated love. It was like a Shakespeare tragedy, an angry rock song, tortured pieces of f-you prose. I can honestly say I'd never felt that low before. Never hurt as much, or had been that broken, because it was a reality check, a curse. I was hiding, torn, closed, shattered. For the longest time I'd looked up at God, and with tears in my eyes, had asked "why is it?".

Remember that? No, probably not.

Now is the time when I can reflect. My faith in love is renewed. I'm inspired by a flowing waterfall that washes my worries away. I'm glowing from the sun kissing my skin. Here in this garden of life, I've released all my frustrations. I can honestly say I've never felt more at peace before. Never hoped as much, because I'm done with the pain. It's a healing, a treasure. I'm ready for change, moving on, preparing to dance again. Now I can look up at God and ask "Where is it?". And when he answers "Soon", I believe... I believe.

Remember me? One day you will.

My Voice

Somehow, somewhere I lost my voice. Maybe it was when my words were ignored by you. Or perhaps when my thoughts were dismissed by you. Had I become so dependant on your approval?
Why?
Just because you whisper, why should I?

I refuse to be silenced. I am me, strongly opinionated, quietly confident, slightly scrambled but okay with it. If you can't deal or handle that, forgive me for saying, but I no longer give a shit.

5 senses: smell

The unmistakable scent drifts by;
a mix of acid tear drops,
bits of anger,
and pieces of hate,
all strung together with a fuck you and a I don't care.
The stench makes me sick to my stomach.
I gag.
I keel over.
It's too much!
I...
can't...
Take...
It...!

Even as the tarty "just deal" and the sweetness of "moving on" starts taking over, it lingers, taking its time.

Then it passes by
and in its wake leaves
an outburst of smiles,
a sense of peace,
and a feeling of joy,
all flowing together with a I love me.
So now, I can take my time again, and smell the roses

5 senses: Sight

"I see you" you said.
I, the mystery within a mystery.
"I doubt it", I told you, intrigued by the audacity of the words you spoke
"Knowing me will change your life"you stressed confidently.
I laughed, similar words had been spoken many times.
"How?"I still asked
"I'll open your eyes to wondrous delights" You promised
"Go ahead and try" I challenged.
I hid so well, sometimes I couldn't find me.
"You'll love every minute of it' You teased.
And I did, and you did, and my life was made so much better, because what happened was - I saw you

Five senses: Hearing

My love, listen, I have things to say.
But I'll whisper it low in your ear.
For it's things that are only for you to hear.
I want to kiss your lips softly, nibble gently, and coax them open with my inquisitive tongue, on a search for the secrets at the tip of yours.
I'll willingly look deep into your beautiful eyes, as they shoot bullets of desire into my helpless mind.
Let me caress you.
Everywhere.
Anywhere.
So heat like wild fire can spread through your wanting body.
Wanting only me.
Right here, right now.
Say "Yes!"
Let me fulfil desires hidden and unleash screams unheard.
Listen to these words I speak;
The beat of my heart;
The shortness of your breath...
And just this once.
Give me you.
All of you.

I was wondering

I don't want to be in a relationship, just for the sake of being with someone, but I want someone to hold me, someone to kiss me, someone to miss me.
So I settle, knowing that I'm not strong enough, to just be alone.
You’d never guess that I've watched, I've waited, and I’ve wanted... only you.

I was wondering...
If you care?
If you want?
If you dream?
If you hurt?
If you know?
I was just wondering.

Do I kick myself for being such a coward or do I convince myself that we were probably never meant to be?
So much wasted time!
Sometimes I wonder if it's really you I fell for, or my idea of what I thought you were?
Whatever! No amount of red wine can change the fact that you were never really mine

I was wondering...
Why I care?
Why I want?
Why I dream?
Why I hurt?
Why I never let you know?
I was just wondering.

I've spent years wanting to be loved; by you. I thought that you were my “someone special”. I now see, that I had someone special all along, but didn't notice, cause I was too busy loving you… No more

.

5 senses: Taste

Quench my thirst.
Feed my hunger.
Oh delicious anticipation,
Mouth watering satisfaction,
Sweet Gratification.
Lick my lips,
Bite my tongue.
I can't
I must
Can I?
Just once...
Maybe twice